This is a post about the weird things I used to pretend. I know all kids are full of pretending but I wonder if most were as weird or morbid as me. Please let me know where you and I compare on the weirdness scale.
I used to pretend I was a horse. Now wait. Not just "a horse." There were at least three variations. First, in third grade, I was "Dorito the prince pony." I was the fastest girl in my class so I was automatically the one the other kids got to chase. Being that all the other kids were my female friends, they wanted to chase a boy but since no boys wanted to play girl games, I got to be the "boy" that they would chase. So I became "Dorito." Why? One of the girls really liked Doritos. So I pretended to be "Dorito" and I was a prince in disguise as a lonely little pony. I was lonely because people didn't like me and didn't know I was a prince. So they chased me. When I got older, like fourth grade, I still wanted to pretend to be a horse so instead of maintaining my "Dorito" moniker, I switched to akwardly galloping everywhere and slapping my hands on my thighs making a gallop noise. Come to think of it, I did this before I became Dorito. I did it after I left Dorito behind. God I was akward. AND THEN, after I stopped pretending to be Dorito and after I stopped galloping around like an idiot, I would pretend that this winged horse would run alongside any car I happened to be riding in. This winged horse would jump over the debris in the shoulder of the road and would occasionally fly over low-hanging tree branches. My pretending only gets worse.
I used to pretend I was a werewolf. Seriously. I am Italian therefore I have nice thick, dark and bushy eyebrows. I was a blond when I was little...I mean really toeheaded. Do you remember that episode of Full House when Joey got called toeheaded and he thought it was an insult saying he looked like a toe? Or how about that Family Guy where Peter says Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a foot? Well she does but it is not related to my story at all. Just related to foot-looking commentary. And I digress.
So anyway, being a blond and having really dark bushy eyebrows that grew together in the middle made for a really beautiful 10 year old. I didn't mention that my eyebrows grew together? Well they did and they do (or rather they would if I didn't get them threaded EVERY three weeks and pluck them EVERY day in between. No joke). So anyway, for some reason, I was trying to come up with an excuse for my eyebrows and I thought "werewolf" made sense. So I pretended at recess that I could attack people and make them werewolves and I would tell kids to be careful becuase they wouldn't know when the werewolf would take over my body and attack.
Similarly, I pretended I was a vampire. This was way before all the Twilight craziness. But just about the time Bradd Pitt and Tom Cruise made vampires look delicious. So I wanted to be a vampire. Is that so horrible? I think I even bit some people. But only when I was provoked, of course.
I also used to pretend to be a dead German girl. I know. I said it got worse. When I was little, I took German lessons for several years. This meant that I had a rudimentary grasp of the German language when I was in elementary school which was more than any of my classmates. I also had a Dirndl, which is a traditional German dress. Well, I would put my Dirndl on and tell people (mostly this girl I didn't like) that I had died in World War II and returned as a ghost. Then I would sing a song in German and maybe throw the German alphabet in for good measure and threaten to linger and do gastly and ghostly things.
I think that is enough about me and my weirdness. For now.
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