What comes in peach?
Sure, there are things you eat and drink. Pie. Cobbler. Tarts. Kool-Aid and FlavorAid. Jolly Ranchers. Tea.
How about things you play with? Yup. Crayons. Paint. A picture of a peach.
Cosmetics? You bet. Lip Smackers. A nice blast from the past, eh ladies? Blush. Lipstick.
I expect to hear about peach-flavored things. I enjoy coloring with the peach crayon. I am not suprised when my lip gloss shines in a pleasant peach. Peaches are good. I could eat a peach for hours.
But the other day, I was watching tv and a commercial aired. I thought, for sure, that it had to be a Saturday Night Live sketch. Seriously. But it was not.
Guess what you can get in pretty, passionate peach? You might want to sit down for this exciting announcement.
Depends.
No. Not as in "it depends." Just Depends. Now in peach, for when you can't hold your bladder but still want to look good. I guess there was a demand for something other than "dress whites."
Get your free sample here. You're welcome.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
May refuse drink because of contrariness.
So, based on some of my previous posts, one might gleam that I am more inclined to use natural remedies. I mean, I had a drug-free waterbirth with the aid of a midwife, I went to a "witchdoctor" when I was suffering from my second bout of thrush, I use a chiropractor (which I have yet to blog about), I drink all sorts of teas when I am sick, I chug honey when I've got a sore throat or a cold, I use vinegar to relieve sunburn, I wash my hair with baking soda (sometimes), etc. So yea. I tend towards the "alternative" when it comes to medicine and health. Needless to say, then, when it comes to my husband and child, I also prefer to use the least amount of intervention possible. Now, that is not to say that a nice dose of baby-Advil doesn't come in handy, or a trip to the pediatrician is never warranted. I just prefer to try the old-fashioned home remedies before rushing out to get a 'scrip.
Before Elise was born, I went to a local market here called Sevananda. Sevananda has a nice medicinals section, so I went looking for diaper creme, soaps, baby products, etc. I came across what seemed to be a great buy: "Hyland's Kids' Kit" which is a selection of what is apparently the most useful homeopathic remedies for most common childhood ailments. The kit contains 30x potencies of the following remedies: Aconite, Arnica, Belladonna, Chamomilla, Ferrum Phos, Hepar Sulph and a tube of something called "Bumps and Bruises." Now, I've used the Chamomilla and the Bumps and Bruises ointment with great success. I know how good Chammomile tea is when you're sick, so it basically works the same for Elise when she's running a low temp or when she is teething. In any event, this blog isn't so much about the healing powers of natural remedies as it is about the things I found HILARIOUS in the pamphlet that came along with the kit. Each remedy comes with a dose guide and a description of the ailments for which one can use the remedy. For your enjoyment, I present the following:
Aconite:
-fear of death/ says he/she is going to die. (I wonder if this works if the kid misbehaved and you have threatened death).
-croupy cough which frightens (everyone). (No, it seriously says "(everyone)".)
-frantic with pain.
Arnica:
-fears being touched, approached. (Maybe I should give this to my sister-in-law's chihuahua. That dog is afraid of everyone).
-Complains bed is too hard. (Goldilocks needs this. That biotch is always complaining about something.)
-Wants to go home/says there is nothing wrong. (What if the kid is at home...?)
Belladonna:
-thrashes about in bed. (This is not a sex thing...I don't think).
-sunstroke with throbbing pulse.
-throbbing pains made worse from jarring, as when someone bumps the bed. (that seems awfully specific.)
Chamomilla:
-likes violent motion. (Six Flags needs to hand this stuff out).
-everything is too much to be endured. (I think you might need something stronger if this describes your issue).
-thirsty but may refuse drink because of contrariness. (Ok, this is what caused me to write this blog entry. I mean, who uses the word "contrariness". I told Eugene that he was being contrary, like Mary Mary in that kids' rhyme, and he had no idea what I was talking about. Mind you, I didn't explain why I was singing around like Mother Goose, but still, he didn't know what it meant if he was refusing something "due to contrariness." I don't really know what this means. It sounds like most women I know.)
Ferrum Phosphoricum:
-Symptoms tend to be better from 4am to 6am. (Again with the specificity.)
Hepar Sulph:
-Chilly and sweaty with unpleasant odor due to sweat. (What sweat smells pleasant??)
-snuffles frequently. (What is a snuffle?)
-Cough worse from uncovering any body part. (just think about this).
-juicy sounding croupy cough. (Mmmmm, juicy).
-Sneezing with nose running clear that later ripens into thick, yellowish discharge. (What is it with the appetite-inducing descriptions?)
and finally...Peevishness. (wtf?)
So there you have it. Should you be able to figure out what the above means, like when your child is being peevish, well, feel free to tell me when I should administer the remedies to my child.
-
Before Elise was born, I went to a local market here called Sevananda. Sevananda has a nice medicinals section, so I went looking for diaper creme, soaps, baby products, etc. I came across what seemed to be a great buy: "Hyland's Kids' Kit" which is a selection of what is apparently the most useful homeopathic remedies for most common childhood ailments. The kit contains 30x potencies of the following remedies: Aconite, Arnica, Belladonna, Chamomilla, Ferrum Phos, Hepar Sulph and a tube of something called "Bumps and Bruises." Now, I've used the Chamomilla and the Bumps and Bruises ointment with great success. I know how good Chammomile tea is when you're sick, so it basically works the same for Elise when she's running a low temp or when she is teething. In any event, this blog isn't so much about the healing powers of natural remedies as it is about the things I found HILARIOUS in the pamphlet that came along with the kit. Each remedy comes with a dose guide and a description of the ailments for which one can use the remedy. For your enjoyment, I present the following:
Aconite:
-fear of death/ says he/she is going to die. (I wonder if this works if the kid misbehaved and you have threatened death).
-croupy cough which frightens (everyone). (No, it seriously says "(everyone)".)
-frantic with pain.
Arnica:
-fears being touched, approached. (Maybe I should give this to my sister-in-law's chihuahua. That dog is afraid of everyone).
-Complains bed is too hard. (Goldilocks needs this. That biotch is always complaining about something.)
-Wants to go home/says there is nothing wrong. (What if the kid is at home...?)
Belladonna:
-thrashes about in bed. (This is not a sex thing...I don't think).
-sunstroke with throbbing pulse.
-throbbing pains made worse from jarring, as when someone bumps the bed. (that seems awfully specific.)
Chamomilla:
-likes violent motion. (Six Flags needs to hand this stuff out).
-everything is too much to be endured. (I think you might need something stronger if this describes your issue).
-thirsty but may refuse drink because of contrariness. (Ok, this is what caused me to write this blog entry. I mean, who uses the word "contrariness". I told Eugene that he was being contrary, like Mary Mary in that kids' rhyme, and he had no idea what I was talking about. Mind you, I didn't explain why I was singing around like Mother Goose, but still, he didn't know what it meant if he was refusing something "due to contrariness." I don't really know what this means. It sounds like most women I know.)
Ferrum Phosphoricum:
-Symptoms tend to be better from 4am to 6am. (Again with the specificity.)
Hepar Sulph:
-Chilly and sweaty with unpleasant odor due to sweat. (What sweat smells pleasant??)
-snuffles frequently. (What is a snuffle?)
-Cough worse from uncovering any body part. (just think about this).
-juicy sounding croupy cough. (Mmmmm, juicy).
-Sneezing with nose running clear that later ripens into thick, yellowish discharge. (What is it with the appetite-inducing descriptions?)
and finally...Peevishness. (wtf?)
So there you have it. Should you be able to figure out what the above means, like when your child is being peevish, well, feel free to tell me when I should administer the remedies to my child.
-
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Pretending to be Justin Bieber.
Don't lie. You know you want to.
As some of you know, a post or two ago I tried to entice people with a giveaway. You winners already know who you are so I am not afraid of spoiling the prize. The little prizes I found were too good not to share with some close friends, so I took it upon myself to share them. What are these little gifts? If you were not a lucky recipient, then I will share with you. I bought a pack of JUSTIN BIEBER collectable stickers. Yes, you read that right. The Bieb. When I saw these stickers I laughed out loud, probably as much at the hilarity of the poses that the Bieb undertook as the fact that I knew that when I was a tween, I would have immediately purchased every pack of stickers if they were for Elijah Wood or Jonathan Brandis or Brad Renfro. Or Billy Corgan. I know. I can't explain the Billy Corgan obsession that I still have today. I've accepted it. As has my husband, to some extent. At least he loves the Smashing Pumpkins more than me, so he says.
Anyway, I decided to make use of these stickers in the best way I could imagine. For the first, I stuck a sticker of the nubile and swooning Biebs to a plain piece of printer paper, addressed it to my husband at his office and in his lawyerly capacity, and I signed it "Love Justin Bieber." Then I mailed it. I waited anxiously to hear from him, as I knew I would. I was not disappointed. The very day after I mailed the letter he called me and said, "So, did you mail me a letter from Justin Bieber?" I was going to pretend it wasn't me but I couldn't contain my laughter and my joke was exposed. My next thought was to share the Bieber love with some of my friends. At work, of course. The two letters you see here are the letters I wrote. Enjoy. The names have been deleted to protect the innocent.
So there you go. That is what I do with my spare time. Needless to say, I waited anxiously to hear from myvictims friends, but days passed with nothing. NOTHING. I didn't know what happened? Did they not get the letters? Did a secretary think they were not funny and trash them? Did my friends know it was me and were they making me sweat?
The answer, I believe, is the latter. Somehow, I was figured out but they wanted to keep me in the dark. You see, the one letter has a footnote and the other letter does not. The sans footnote victim ALWAYS footnotes his Christmas card so I intentionally footnoted the other letter so its recipient would assume it was the other. My plan worked and initially, I was not blamed. But then, according to the footnote fiend, my stamp gave me away. Darn the postmaster. But still my friends did not approach me about it, or even make mention of receipt of their letters. What was wrong??
Turns out, I was to be a victim myself. I received a letter and will post it in my next installment.
I know it's been a while since I posted last. I've been busy getting ready for my daughter's first birthday (where did the year go??!!??), preparing to host a baby shower for a good friend and just generally sweating in the Georgia summer heat. To spice things up, though, sometimes I decide to do silly things. I do these thinngs mostly because they make me laugh and I hope they will bring smiles to my intended victims. Let me explain what I've done recently.
As some of you know, a post or two ago I tried to entice people with a giveaway. You winners already know who you are so I am not afraid of spoiling the prize. The little prizes I found were too good not to share with some close friends, so I took it upon myself to share them. What are these little gifts? If you were not a lucky recipient, then I will share with you. I bought a pack of JUSTIN BIEBER collectable stickers. Yes, you read that right. The Bieb. When I saw these stickers I laughed out loud, probably as much at the hilarity of the poses that the Bieb undertook as the fact that I knew that when I was a tween, I would have immediately purchased every pack of stickers if they were for Elijah Wood or Jonathan Brandis or Brad Renfro. Or Billy Corgan. I know. I can't explain the Billy Corgan obsession that I still have today. I've accepted it. As has my husband, to some extent. At least he loves the Smashing Pumpkins more than me, so he says.
Anyway, I decided to make use of these stickers in the best way I could imagine. For the first, I stuck a sticker of the nubile and swooning Biebs to a plain piece of printer paper, addressed it to my husband at his office and in his lawyerly capacity, and I signed it "Love Justin Bieber." Then I mailed it. I waited anxiously to hear from him, as I knew I would. I was not disappointed. The very day after I mailed the letter he called me and said, "So, did you mail me a letter from Justin Bieber?" I was going to pretend it wasn't me but I couldn't contain my laughter and my joke was exposed. My next thought was to share the Bieber love with some of my friends. At work, of course. The two letters you see here are the letters I wrote. Enjoy. The names have been deleted to protect the innocent.
So there you go. That is what I do with my spare time. Needless to say, I waited anxiously to hear from my
The answer, I believe, is the latter. Somehow, I was figured out but they wanted to keep me in the dark. You see, the one letter has a footnote and the other letter does not. The sans footnote victim ALWAYS footnotes his Christmas card so I intentionally footnoted the other letter so its recipient would assume it was the other. My plan worked and initially, I was not blamed. But then, according to the footnote fiend, my stamp gave me away. Darn the postmaster. But still my friends did not approach me about it, or even make mention of receipt of their letters. What was wrong??
Turns out, I was to be a victim myself. I received a letter and will post it in my next installment.
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