Oh body of mine.

Do you know what it is like to sneeze and pee yourself at the same time?  In a skirt? While in Wal-Mart? With your baby brother?  I do.

Although this happened to me during my last pregnancy, and near the end of my last pregnancy when urinary control is overruled by the fat baby sitting inside you and resting on your bladder, the unfortunate part of birthing a baby through your lady parts means that you will likely have bladder control issues.  Maybe even forever.  Now I have barely started into that "forever".  I had my first baby a mere 18  months ago.  But since that time, I can barely laugh without a little tinkle.  I certainly cannot sneeze without one.

"Well did you do kegles?" Are you kidding? Recall that I had a natural waterbirth.  If part of my "training" to handle that whole process didn't include kegles (and perineal massage* and hypnoborthing) then I might say that my midwife did not do a good job of further indoctrinating me into the joys of a drug free birth experience.  Yes, I did kegles.  Yes, I did them a lot.  Did they help? I don't know.  How much do other women pee themselves when they sneeze? Maybe I pee less.  But I don't know.  It is not something that women talk a lot about.  I do know that I have to literally cross my legs to help keep myself dry.  This awkwardness even happens when I don't even have to pee.  You read that right.  You can pee yourself even when you don't have to pee.

Over time, I felt like I had established a better control over my bladder.  Could one expect to have perfect control of all bodily functions "down there" right after birthing a baby?  I certainly didn't. But I also didn't expect that it would take months and months and months to gain back the control that I'd exhibited before.  And it's not like I was peeing buckets with every sneeze, but a trickle here and there is terribly annoying and uncomfortable.  But now that I am pregnant again, it has begun again.  And much earlier than before.  I am only a mere 14 weeks and already this baby seems to hate living next to a full (or not so full) bladder.  The baby wants to make sure that the only liquid inside is amniotic fluid.  I don't blame baby.  I know what it is like to have pee where you don't want it.


*Note: I was unsuccessful with the perineal massage.  As it appears I was also unsuccessful with Kegles.

Princess pony parties.

This is my long-term plan for financial stability. You read it right.  Princess pony parties.  That's about all there is to say.  I will have princess ponies available for parties.  I will probably also have some other cute baby animals and various other activities that children love. I will provide this service for a reasonable fee, clean-up included (if I get a slice of the cake).  So that is it.  But Lauren? Do you have the experience and skills necessary to undertake such a business venture? Are you sure you are capable of wrangling cute baby animals into small cages for transport?  Why, indeed I do.

When I was 14 or 15, I got my first "real" job.  I'd been riding horses since I was 9 or so.  I rode for several years, competed a little, took a break, and started back again when I was in my teens.  I stopped for a while then too, starting back in college and then playing for a semester on the UGA Club Polo team.  I cannot play polo, in case you are wondering.  But I digress.

So when I was 14 or 15, I started working for this farm.  This farm had a petting zoo that we would take on the road.  We took all sorts of baby animals to birthday parties, county fairs, school fairs, and basically anywhere else that would pay.  We also had pony rides, face painting and probably ring toss games or something like that.  I did a little of it all. I was also damn good at face painting, if I do say so myself.  I remember when my thorny rose vine arm band "tattoo" was the hit of the Lula Days county festival.  I kid you not.  People lined up in the tens to have me paint that shit on their arms.  I made like $4 a painting, so I was basically rich.  Yes, I was pretty awesome.

When I was a little younger, I also helped my mom and a good family friend with her party business.  Although it wasn't a regular "gig", I did get paid to help out sometimes.  My mom was a clown named "Zippers."  Yes, that is about as creepy as a clown named "John Wayne Gacy" but Zippers was, in fact, her clown name.  Eww.  Can you just picture a creepy clown with zippers all over its body...opening into the skin and having a zipper instead of a mouth?  My mom was not that Zippers the clown.  Ahh! I found one!  And another! Ok that last one wasn't a zipper clown but HOLY lord above. How gross???! Now I'm giving myself the creeps.

So I would occasionally help out with this party business.  I got to take tickets when little kids went to bounce on the jumpy thing, usher children into lines to meet the clowns and, you guessed correctly, paint some faces.  And some arms.

So I am clearly experienced enough to run my own princess party business.  You'd hire me, right?  (insert image of scary clown now.)

Hear-Ye, Hear-Ye

So it's been a while.  Yeah yeah.  I know.  How have you survived without my unique perspective on things that I occasionally post on the internet? In any event, Thanksgiving has come and gone, as has Christmas and New Year's...and some other holidays that I don't celebrate.  So for all of the holidays come and gone without a greeting from me, "Happy __(insert holiday of choice)___"  and "I hope it was amazing!"  There. I feel better. 

Now for some news.  If you aren't my facebook friend or recipient of my family Christmas card, then you might not know.  I am having a second baby.  This baby is due July 21! The Bryant household (and the family members related thereto) is very excited for Elise to be a big sister. I cannot wait to share our house and our hearts with another perfect little baby.  See what I did there? You now know that Elise is perfect.  She even gets straight A's and is in Mensa.  Ok.  Both of those things are lies.  But if Mensa took babies, I am sure she would be in.  She says "meow" when she sees a cat! How genius is that??!! 

I would like to blame my pregnancy and extreme morning sickness to my lackluster blog attendance.  This second go-round seems to be a lot harder than the first.  I am more tired, more sick and generally more ugh.  I am almost at 12 weeks now and hopefully that means things will get easier from here on out.  At least until the baby decides to leave my body.  Because that part will not be easy.  I am again opting for the same midwife practice, INTOWN MIDWIFERY, and plan on doing a natural childbirth.  It was an awesome experience to have Elise that way and if you want information, please please please contact me.  I love talking about it.

I do have a lot to talk about but this post will just drag on and on if I say everything now.  So stay tuned. I promise to try to blog more regularly.